The Shock Factor Cancer , Now and Post Cancer Blues

Our Family Journey as I am diagnosed with Breast Cancer 2nd December

My husband and son

The first people I would like to thank is my Husband jay helping me throughout my illnesses already in existence and for telling me to get checked Also I would like to thank my GP to whom I wont name without her consent. If I hadn't of had a good husband or a good GP I would likely still be going on with these two Cancerous Tumours without knowing !!!! Its so important to check any abnormality's you may have noticed because it could be something or nothing but either way Its worth sharing the information rather than leaving it . I did however get pain in the right breast and at times it would go red like when your pregnant and you get severe redness and rashing . However I'm unaware of how long this had been going on before we found out the reality.

Appointment 1 Hospital
The day is the ....of December and I have been given the news of high possibilities of Breast Cancer . I had mammogram and an Ultrasound and the staff have been amazingly kind and considerate to the need of my care . I have to say the care is somewhat amazing and generally outstanding . The professor who treated me found 2 solid masses one measuring 5 cm and the other measuring 3 cm . I think she is almost certain by her wording chosen . We have spoken in length and she has told me to prepare my family for the worst of news . I think she is correct but however I was a little optimistic that maybe the masses were not cancerous . The professor new by the way they looked and her experience precedes me as I don't know . I have taken her given news on-board and am thinking how to tell my family and friends the ghastly news. My husband jay is totally shell shocked but in the good spirit of myself I always find something to laugh about. Last year I was diagnosed with two different types of sleep apnoea just before Christmas . I did comment on this as I wondered whether maybe my Christmas present could be slightly more fulfilling like a new pair of boots or a handbag or even a holiday on the NHS lol. I cannot quite explain how this all feels other than quite surreal . I have had a biopsy on my right breast and after extensive comforting conversations. I feel in the safest of hands in this warm welcoming unit of friendly faces . The statistics shock me on how many people get breast cancer . The waiting rooms were pretty full with ladies with scarves on there head . On leaving my appointment I did say jay can you pinch me I think maybe this is a bizarre dream. A small pinch to the arm made me realise this was really happening and these conversations and biopsy's happened . As I said a small ouch !! on the pinch this gave me confirmation of the reality of the morning.
On the way home whilst my hubby chatted in the car with what I say my near enough Son in law I stayed in a stunned silence and listened to music. all the way home . Music comforts me and makes me switch of and think deeply As we were receiving calls to find out if all was well we waited to speak when we could gather our daughters round to the house to talk about the very ghastly possibilities. in that was a flicker of the smallest of light it would be so I was almost certain as the professor had so much experience in this field . I have to say I am glad I was prepared for the worst news rather than ultimately being completely shocked when I came back to the next Monday appointment.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Today we find out the results of the recent Biopsy Monday the 9th December

This is my second appointment and although the news isn't good from the first sit down with my the professor of Radiology. I am positive I will overcome what comes to me next even be it bad news. The idea is to keep positive and move to the next plan B....my appointment is at 10.30 and will know what the next step is.wether I have the the C word.
Why does times drag when your waiting for an appointment ? hence I am sitting in the breast clinic lots of people gathering for appointments . I am a little tensed and there is a door automatically opening and closing . How irritating is it normally I wouldn't mind but wow this irritates. I feel like I've been sitting here for ages but with all intense purposes I've turned up early..my husband looks at the time and we are early. I first found a lump a few months ago and the reason for writing this blog is to express how important it is to never speak out through being embarrassed . Its silly to hold back and leave things. Always speak to your GP about your concerns. I can say the my GP is the most approachable GP but stupidly I left this even though I can tell her anything . We are lucky to be blessed with someone like her who is the most thorough doctor I've ever know . No stone is left unturned until she finds answers .I never followed up this problem due to all the times I've been managing other illnesses that have taken a grasp of my life. I have struggled with M.E and varied illnesses that have caused great concern and affected my daily living . I also have disasociative seizures and left side facial weakness and functional dystonia . Plus the Bain of my life getting something that makes me act like I'm 5 and this is no joke . I say things I would never say and countless reactions that make me act like a child . I have resorted to staying at home due to major embarrassment and worrying what people may think of me . I'm not in control of this disacosiative dystonia. I've tried to work out what my triggers are but I'm unaware of what these triggers could be or even if there is a trigger. I know at these times I don't feel right and my head feels strange .
I had so many dreams when I was younger to be an actress a big star of the screen but along the way it became increasingly difficult for me to fulfil some of my hopes and dreams due to illness or stress related issues.
A very good friend when I was at school moulded the start of my teenage years to whom I thank . My friend Natalie Hawes had leukaemia and I never understood why she was taken so young. One thing I learnt about her is that her mum said she always talked about me , Sonia this Sonia that . why do we find this out when people have gone and its too late. The British stiff upper lip doesn't allow us to always show how we feel. I made it my way to always tell people how I feel. If I care , if I think there good at something but always express how I feel. if there good at what they do wether it's there fabulous at there job , singing , acting , art and more examples of this . If you don't tell people how you feel you will forever feel bad for not doing this . Well at least this is how I am and some people may never say wow your great at your job or your an amazing person . I have learnt through loss to speak how I feel otherwise you may never know that the other person holds you in high regard or that the other person thinks your an amazing person . This has also been a difficult situation too because many people don't always speak how they feel.
Anyway back to the appointment I went into a small room and spoke to a breast specialist she shook her head ( I knew then this was Cancer ) My only real option available had been put forward to there specialist multi disciplinary team and that was to have a mastectomy on the right breast, I wondered whether there was any chance of the tumours being reduced but this wasn't the option available for me.
They were very kind and sensitive and asked me if I wanted to ask any questions. I didn't really have anything to ask at that point . However I agreed to surgery and they had a space available that coming Thursday 12 the of December. The surgeon wanted one of the certain anaesthetist and they were available that day so I thought at that point the inevitable would happen. I thought the sooner it was done the better it would be for me and ongoing treatment.

Saturday, 21 December 2013

Third appointment 12 and then the 16th for my mastectomy

Today is my third appointment I'm of to see what the next plan of action is !!!!!
I don't know what today will bring but I will find out what will happen ..whether it's treatment or an operation. I am happy to say I have been told the cancer hasn't spread to the lymph nodes . I am so pleased with this result it means that currently I need to await the decision of surgery.
My surgeon meets us in a small appointment room and she is suggesting I have the mastectomy and all of the lymph nodes removed . Although we are concerned about the amount of time I am under anaesthetic. I have found out also that 1 in 5 people get lymphedema. This would mean my arm would swell up and my hand giving me limited arm movement. There also is another dilemma to this decision as there is no medicine that will help the arm go back to being normal. This could be a potential knowing my bad luck that I would be the 1 in 5 . Now my next decision there is free surgery spot this week on Thursday. Arrangement were made for me to go and see the pre assessment unit for surgery. So many questions to answer to be prepared for the mastectomy . The one thing I have maintained is my sense of humour and my faith . My husband has been a rock and I don't think he understands why I still haven't reacted the way he thought.

Sunday, 29 December 2013

16 th of december day of the Mastectomy .

Early morning wake up call today I need to be on the ward for 7.00am at Addenbrookes for preparation for surgery. I have to say today feels busy and I would like to curl up and go back to bed.
I find myself trying to make myself presentable and working out what to wear to make myself feel and look great . I forgot to mention over the last week or so a rare thing has hit me to feel a little selfish and want things for myself . I think I felt by loosing a breast my femininity would be damaged a but like damaged goods on a fruit counter. So instead of walking around at home in a slumber wearing pjs or whatever was remotely comfortable . I had this idea I would go into hospital sparkling and looking stunning . So first I find a good Xmas Classic jumper , ooh a pair of leather boots , jacket (fur) but not real . In between this I'm saying to my husband what about the kids Xmas and feeling a sense of guilt but feeling a need to be satisfied. Not to mention lol I decided I wanted some socks as I get cold feet . What a picture I'm going to look all smart but casual and worried if everyone would see yes the socks .
Well today is the day of a real difficulty I think with emotions high but still no tears ....who knows why . So we arrive early as arranged and I wait to my ward . So many people there so early not all for the same reason. Can you believe they do a mastectomy and if all is well they send you home the next day !!!!!! I remember when I had my first baby I was in hospital for a week.
In the mean time I'm thirsty but I can't drink and haven't drunk up until a certain time the night before. They allow me to take my normal medication with some water which was a blessing and then do all there normal observations . This is preparing me for what's to come , my surgeon came to see me to have a chat just to go through what will happen . Not to mention my tattoo given of where they would work on .
I have to say yet again I have been fortunate to be treated so well and with the utmost dignity at all times. If I had a question they would answer it but 9/10 they would have told me everything .
Although I got there early I was in line to go into surgery at 11.00 am I was the third on the list . I waited with my husband until my time was up to go in but it looks a while yet . Its all go here patients ready for day stay the hustle and bustle of the ward. Whilst we contemplated what was to come we were fully informed all the way along which was reassuring for jay and myself.
Going into Surgery wasn't quite as worrying as I thought it would be so that was less of a worry for me than it was for jay. It wasn't long once settled in the operating theatre and the staff chatted with me whilst preparing me to be under anaesthetic. We started to count 1, 2 , 3 gone I am surprised how quick I was out like light.
When I awoke my inner fears of Surgery were over and I woke up in recovery and my surgeon came to tell me things went very well and according to plan with no complications. A big sigh of relief for me. The first thing I admit to doing was looking and the wound as it wasn't covered ...im not sure what I think but however I am not terribly shocked either. Its quite bizarre I have this kind of neutral feeling if my breast was still there The cancer could get so much worse. This way I have the chance for it to be gone from the breast where the masses were. The one other thing found In surgery was they took two Lymph nodes away that shows up as being a possible problem.
I was so happy to see jay in recovery he was the first person I asked for , so they went to get him for me.
Jay and I sat and chatted in recovery and had a cuddle but I was quite sore and felt a little restricted in movement. Everyone is different though in how they are affected after surgery and I felt extremely tight in moving my left arm. I was offered pain killers after surgery but I didn't take the stronger pain option. I was very proud of myself for that reason and I wont forget that.
I was on a four bed bay at Addenbrookes and the people around me inspired me 2 had Cancer of other types and one lady was in due to an attack near to her door and was slashed in the face. I said I couldn't help but overhear her tragic consequences of the senseless attack on her. Such a brave lady and she was expecting as well. People find outstanding bravery and she was one solid and amazing person. At one point I remember saying to her about what happened to her and she asked about me . I found myself saying oh its just cancer!!!!(did I really say that, the answer is yes ) I am more worried about you. It must be the motherly instinct knowing she was pregnant and she was only young .
I had a little unsettled night getting comfortable plus I had the added drain attached so there wasn't a fluid build up of fluid on the chest wall.
I cant actually believe this but if I am well I go home tomorrow possibly with drain. Night all zzzzzz See you tomorrow x

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

I haven't been very good blogging but to be honest I have had some very emotional rollercoasters. Things have been tough on some days and the last thing I wanted is to do a dreary blog .I have other health conditions that have slowed me down and broken down my barriers throughout this battle. I am now coming up for my last chemo round . The round before this was tough as I was admitted as an emergency with a 38 temp and then later that eve I was admitted to Intensive care unit. I had a catheter fitted , my bloods were all over the place , my heart rate fast (tachycardic) a fever and a headache fit to burst. In intensive care I cannot fault there care shown. On the first day or so there was always two nurses to keep me well looked after . The findings of my stay worked out to be Neutropenia sepsis .

You

Next stage

Same day as my first chemotherapy we were both out raising money for Macmillan

Next stage

At a concert in Cambridge watching my friends for my birthday . I wore my scarf and I had a beautiful evening with my Husband and watching my friends William , fabi and Michael perform . Some of

We Were Evergreen videos will feature later . They were amazing whilst I was ill by sending me a surprise package of CDs and a card they had all signed without me asking . Such a kind gesture and so thoughtful as there manager contacted me to get my address . When they found out I was unwell they thought of me .. Another fab memory was all of them Singing happy birthday at the concert. It was also my memorable moment that year . I will never forget them for there kindness . Xxx

Special delivery from the USA from my other fave band arranged by my middle daughter

My Last Radiotherapy session

2014

Post -Cancer Blues

The one thing i wasn't prepared for was Post Cancer Blues !!! I really thought i dealt with the whole situation very well i hardly cried throughout the cancer progress and chemotherapy . Then the brick wall came with full force when all of my treatments stopped . I cannot tell you how many times i cried in a day because it was so many times .I wasn't prepared to have a complete melt down. Please prepare yourself for the possible onslaught of this . I thought i would be absolutely fine and ready to up and go again . I was so far from the absolute truth . I thought in my mind that i would feel relief but in honesty i think i was struggling knowing what i had just been through . I felt lucky to still be alive but i couldn't get into doing anything i may of done before . i struggled picking up the phone , writing letters , functioning at good pace. every day was a fight with myself . I felt vulnerable with one breast and anxious that maybe it could come back . I felt like a failure and i reflected on the years treatments and how i managed so well . i couldn't stop crying i would see an advert and cry i couldn't listen to the word cancer . short of feeling a one breasted freak and my hair was growing at a slow pace. I felt like at the beginning i had so many friends come and support me and after everyone stopped . The visiting became a thing of the past all i did was hide in the corner sitting on the settee. I struggled with talking too anyone without crying and giving myself a hard time. I felt also so fatigued much more than normal but everyone is different . I already have Chronic fatigue that debilitates me in so many ways. Cancer is a little like being suspended in isolation like walking through a field fighting the elements in the thick snow .The loneliness extends at home as severe isolation because you start to feel different from others . I could be in a dark forest trying to get through to the light or climbing a mountain with dangerous crevasses . Your family unit is your safety clause but sometimes understanding what you feel is challenging . you start dealing with more new things like why can't i go out ? why don't i want to go and sit in my own garden ? why can't i talk with people ? why do people not understand why i might feel out of place ? . Mixing is a problem as people work and don't have the time for me anymore. People don't realise the fear that compounds gradually over time . After still fighting terrible fatigue into the month of July 2015 . You can begin to realise how distant you begin to feel and all help of macmillan miles from help. Nothing like how they talk about things and how there there for you every step of the way . At the beginning i think you fight the battle because its our human instincts to fight for survival . when its gone i think this is where people can spiral at home . Fear steps in wondering if its going to come back again and fear of not being understood when you feel insecure . I am however very lucky to have a good GP that has helped me and family . Sometimes it still eats away at me but the one thing is there is always someone worse of than myself. God has kept me here because I obviously have more to do in my lifetime . thank you to my family for being there when times have been tough but please understand me if I'm a little grumpy give me time before I'm judged on my opinions i give .Try to sit and talk too me quietly because i may feel a little sensitive . Thank you too the friends that did help me when they found out i was unwell you will know who you are !!!! xxxx

I thank my doctor and owe my life for her professional but ultimately caring advise and referring me to be seen by specialists . Also jay making me check out this lump to begin with and getting me to ultimately check myself out and attend the GP .My GPs quick professional help and referral that was vital in my life being what it is now and extended . Maybe my story on paper now would be one of different nature and not as positive on the outlook . If I hadn't of had these two individual caring people engineering in my care maybe if I'm bluntly honest I may not be here today . If it wasn't for the professionalism of my GP and my husband for being caring and in tune with me. My life would be somewhat harder than now . My husband and my GP I owe my life for there vital responses . Both helped pick me up when I was down , Both gave me the strength to fight the battle , both gave the best care that I will never forget to every day I reach a new day . This is how I know there are true life heroes that are important in our lives growing and helping me become a stronger person . Please Read the story Of Nalie Augustin who has become a special person of Inspiration this shows that not all i aspire to be like is a celebrity as in actress they can be someone motivational and inspiring http://www.nalie.ca. Please check out Nalie story of how she made the choice to speak publicly about her progress of her breast Cancer . Nalie story has inspired me to see life differently and share my story with you . Also helped me to blog about feelings and I was so much more positive dealing with my cancer . Below i have a Bucket list of things i would like to at some point complete.

My personalBucket List

small steps and big steps

Be on our local Town council

To be Deputy Mayor

Love to be a mayoress of the town

To help my son be confident

To help my son get his you tube account up and running with videos

Visit my my sponsored children in Africa , brazil and Columbia

See we were Evergreen again

Have Evergreen play at my home

See Gemma hayes in Concert again

See Stomp Live

Watch the Cirque du soleil

To try flower arranging

write a book

Visit Paris the city of Love

Visit szentendre in Hungary

Visit Gubbio in Italy our twinned town

visit America

Go to the beautiful county of Iceland

Meet Emma Thompson

Meet Emilia Fox

To help others with Cancer

Living life and loving life

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